Tag Archives: decision

Relocation: Convincing the Family

Photo by Arving Balaraman
Photo credit: Arvind Balaraman

After two weeks of secretive discussions and hidden asides to friends, I finally decided to broach the subject with my 8 year old.

‘Darling, how would you feel about going back to live in Geneva?’  Silence.  And then a determined, ‘No way!’
 
Over the following days, I gently approached the subject from many angles, not wishing to cause panic, not wishing to insist too much (especially before we had definitely made up our minds).  And each time the reaction got more and more dramatic, the tearful conclusion being: ‘You can go there with Daddy and my brother if you like, I’ll stay here all by myself!’
 
And it wasn’t just the children.  Grandparents, other relatives and friends, all had opinions and advice, and many of them were very sceptical of the move.  All of this can be  hard to bear when you are yourself in two minds about it.
 
Convincing others when you are not sure yourself whether you are doing the right thing…  what a challenge!  And yet, especially with children, you need to be strong and keep your doubts to yourself.  Not in the sense of painting an unrealistic picture or emphasising only the positives.  Here is what Oana, now 13, had to say about her parents’ claims when they first moved abroad when she was 9. 
 
‘They told me I would make friends really quickly, expected me to pick up the language immediately, said I would love the new house and new places.  But it took me months till I dared to say my first words in German.  I felt everyone was laughing at me.  The teacher was not as patient with me as the one back home.  I was really, really unhappy and I felt lonely in the big new house.  Even now, I can’t say I have as many friends, or best friends, as I did back home.’
 
Here are some things that you need to consider when you are trying to persuade your children that relocating abroad is a good idea:
 
1. Timing.  At what point do you involve the rest of the family (beyond the spouse, I am assuming you are involving them right away) in the debate?  Experience suggests it is better to give them time to get used to the idea, but not too early, just in case you decide not to go.  Brian says he told his children they were moving to Bermuda and generated huge enthusiasm for the idea.  A month later, they discovered Child No. 3 was on the way and changed their minds.  The two older children never quite forgave No. 3 for his untimely appearance.
 
2. Do not oversell.  Acknowledge that there will be difficulties (for all!) when adapting to a new environment.  Of course, put as positive a spin as possible on things, but do not promise perfection or you are setting your kids up for huge disappointment (as in Oana’s case).
 
3. Drip feed.  This is how we won our sons over.  I drip fed bits of information, news, pictures etc. of life in Geneva.  I got them involved in choosing the village, the house, the school. I casually mentioned Skype and webcams and having their own email addresses so that they could stay in touch with their friends in the UK.  I may even have promised some trampolines in the garden or pets (negotiations are still in progress).
 
4. Build resilience.  In yourself and in your family.  Expect some difficult times ahead but do not let that fill you with fear.  Instead, find ways to overcome those obstacles and support each other as a family.  More details coming soon, as I hope to get the wonderful Julia Simens http://www.jsimens.com  to guest blog for me next time on improving emotional resilience.
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To Move or Not to Move – the Relocation Decision

Relocation Decision

Decisions, decisions...

It took us around two months to make the final decision about relocating to Geneva.  At the time, of course, it felt like much longer. 

Every week, in fact, nearly every day, I was:

  • – weighing the pros and cons;

– list-making laced with gut feeling;

– asking for advice and ignoring it;

– searching online expat chat forums for clues. 

With all of the discussions, alternative views and justifications, with all of the gentle nudging to find out what the children thought of it, I felt I had aged ten years by the time we came to the conclusion that we were indeed going to move. But I realise that we were the fortunate ones.  We could take our time to make a decision we can all be happy with.  Many other families do not have that luxury.  They are forced into a decision in a matter of days.  Sometimes it’s a stark decision:  a matter of ‘go abroad or lose your job’.  It’s becoming less common now, as companies begin to realise that not involving the spouse in the decision-making process can lead to the failure of the overseas assignment and premature return.  But it still happens.

We were even luckier in that we already knew the positives and negatives, the lifestyle and the bureaucracy of the place we are moving to.  We had already spent 18 months there in the past.  Unexpectedly, that made our decision harder: there were no rose-tinted spectacles to entice us with an idyllic image of our new life abroad.  We knew just how hard it would be to find suitable accommodation, a place in a school, have the children adapt to a new language, change the car licence plates… There was no honeymoon period for us, with its gentle ignorance.  There wasn’t even much nostalgia for our life there 4-5 years ago, as in the Pays de Gex a few years can bring in phenomenal changes and doubling of the population.

So what do families contemplating relocation abroad find most useful when making up their minds?

1. Talk to others who have made the move.  Not just the ones who are still living there, but also others who have moved on.  Ask lots of questions, both online and off.

2. Focus not just on the practical aspects of the move (important though these undoubtedly are).  In the midst of all the hustle and bustle, take stock of your resilience as a family.  Be honest about any weak points in your relationship with your spouse, with your children, because they are likely to be exacerbated during your time abroad.  Can you change as a family and would you want to? 

3. If you do ask friends and family for advice, be prepared to ignore it.  There may be hidden agendas and partial views at work there.

4. If at all possible, visit the country and town you are planning to live in.  Of course a weekend trip in glorious sunshine in June is different from seven months of winter, cold and darkness, but if you still hate the place when it’s at its best, then you know you are in trouble!   Yes, it would be madness to marry someone based on the first impression, but you cannot ignore that instinctive reaction either.

5. Rely on both your reason and your intuition to make sure you come to the right decision.  I’ve seen many cases where families make long lists of pros and cons, decide that the pros outweigh the cons and rationally they really ought to go… but even as they start making the preparations for their departure, their hearts just get heavier and more distressed.  A certain amount of grieving as you say goodbye to your current life is absolutely normal, but if there is no excitement whatsoever, no lightness of heart and quickening of pulse, then maybe your decision was the wrong one.  Be sensible, by all means, but be happy too.

It’s always going to be a leap of faith, just as much as a marriage.  Because, even if a marriage is (intended to be) permanent and your move abroad may not be, you will be changed by it.  You and your family will never be quite the same again.  And that is my only nod towards a certain Royal Wedding.

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